我们相爱一生，一生还是太短

About ten years ago, 陈寅恪的最后二十年 broke into the desert called Chinese book market and was an instant classic. I read it from cover to cover only twice and was shortsighted enough not to secure a copy. Last summer during my visit to Beijing, I looked through several booksellers only to find, much to my disgust, a bunch of books all so uniformly and unimaginatively titled 某某某的最后XX年. I only recall one about 郭沫若 with the title, guess what, 郭沫若的最后二十九年. Needless to say, the original classic by 陆健东 was not among them.

That disappointment almost held me back when I saw 沈从文的最后四十年 in Regenstein's East Asian Collection. However it was one of just two or three relevant titles, so I took it home.

It isn't too bad.

Although falling far short of depicting the historical context, the book does reveal, in Shen's own thoughts and words, some of the reasons for his abrupt departure from literature, a career he had so deeply loved and in which he had risen to be among the masters of all time. In a sense, his decision to switch profession is surprisingly wise---it saved him much trouble, including betrayal to one's own integrity, which happened to so many, in the years to come. In a correspondence to a biographer of him who was trying to put together an international conference on studies of his works and life, Shen offered the following arguments:

《秋水篇》：“大块载我以形，劳我以生，佚我以老，息我以死。”孔子云：”血气既衰，戒之在得。“这两句话，非常有道理，我能活到如今，很得力这几个字。但愿你也能记住这几个字，一生不至于受小小挫折，即失望。你目下的打算，万万走不通，希望即此放下痴心妄想。你只知道自己，全不明白外面事情之复杂。你全不明白我一生都不想出名，我才能在风雨飘摇中，活到如今，不至于倒下。这十年中多少人都成为古人，我亲见到的。应知有所警戒。你不要因为写了几个小册子，成为名人，就忘了社会。社会既不让我露面，是应当的，总有道理的。不然我那能活到如今？你万不要以为我受委屈。其实所得已多。······

There is a short essay circulating on the Internet a few years ago (I did a search just now and found it still available online), entitled 如果是祖国让你流泪, that tells an episode about Shen after the Cultural Revolution. Briefly, the story goes like this: at the end of a relaxed, uneventful interview, the female correspondent caressed Shen and said, "I understand you suffered ill-treatment." These soft words, meaning to comfort, all of a sudden sent Shen into an uncontrollable cry.

While extremely cautious and low-key, Shen occasionally expressed disagreement with things he observed. For example, in a private correspondence in 1964, he complained:

北大史学系副主任周一良正在率领师生于海甸区掏粪，一定要这么做才算是思想进步，我目前就还理解不够。······

Amusing to read today. Isn't it?

I became interested in reading Shen's biography because I couldn't understand his career switch while reading his family correspondences (or love letters, that is), 从文家书.

As always, the man's most tender words appeared before the woman even realized he deserved her consideration. Cold as she was, he said, 如果我爱你是你的不幸，你这不幸是同我的生命一样长久的。 Like many, he believed sincerely that she was something superior, something perfect, something certainly more valuable than his life, something that leaves all his talents, however exceptional they are, easily in the dust. Unlike many, his illusions were rewarded in the end. This eventual recognition of the precious makes the admirations all the more worthwhile and, above all, beautiful:

生命都是太脆薄的一种东西，······使我不能不觉得热情的可珍，而看重人与人凑巧的藤葛。在同一人事上，第二次的巧合是不会有的。我生平只看过一回满月。我也安慰自己过，我说，“我行过许多地方的桥，看过许多次数的云，喝过许多种类的酒，却只爱过一个正当最好年龄的人。我应当为自己庆幸，······

It's only because of this recognition that one doesn't feel foolish to continue admiring, dreaming,

山水美得很，我想你一同来坐在舱里，从窗口望那点紫色的小山。我想让一个木筏使你惊讶，因为那木筏上面还种菜！我想要你来使我的手暖和一些······

and caring,

我船又在上一个大滩了，名为“横石”，······这时船已到了大浪里，我抱着你同四丫头的相片，若果浪把我卷去，我也得有个伴！

As years passed by, strong emotions receded, and more and more small chats of everyday trivia found its place, as lovely as

仿佛他们怎么活下来永远不易理解。特别是那些大大的房子中在进行的事情，以及极小的弄堂，挤满了大小人怎么过日子，怎么做梦，永远不易理解！还有那种随处可见的“摩登女”，进出商店带了一大包东西是怎么回事？那么多东西用得了？······

I always wonder, in this day and time when people have lost the ability and patience to write, "What will we have as tangible witness of the good, old days when we finally reach the age of more memories than plans?" Many a time one in unimaginable desperation regains the strength to carry on simply because there is one other human being on the planet who cares. Endless hardship as we may have to go through, more often than not it's a small thing that warms, assuring us that the life has been worthwhile to live. 张允和 (elder sister of 张兆和) tells a story that happened in 1969, when 张兆和 was already away from home; 沈从文 was about to leave home and join the labor exile; and there was zero certainty about whether the couple could meet again, how much time they would be able to spend together, and whether they could ever return home.

屋里乱得吓人，简直无处下脚。······我问他：‘沈二哥，为什么这样乱？’他说：‘我就要下放啦！我在理东西。’可他双手插在口袋里，并没有动手理东西，他站在桌边，我也找不到一张可坐的椅子，只得站在桌子边。我说：‘下放！？我能帮忙？’沈二哥摇摇头。我想既帮不了忙，我就回身想走。沈二哥说：‘莫走，二姐，你看！’他从鼓鼓囊囊的口袋里掏出一封皱头皱脑的信，又像哭又像笑对我说：‘这是三姐（他也尊称我妹为三姐）给我的第一封信。’他把信举起来，面色十分羞涩而温柔。我说：‘我能看看吗？’沈二哥把信放下来，又像给我又像不给我，把信放在胸前温一下，并没有给我。又把信塞在口袋里，这手抓紧了信再也出不出来了。我想，我真傻，怎么看人家的情书呢，我正望着他好笑。忽然沈二哥说：‘三姐的第一封信———第一封。’接着就吸溜吸溜地哭起来，快七十岁的老头儿像一个小孩子哭得又伤心又快乐。

Shen died in 1988. Before his 100th birthday in 2002, the 32-volume 沈从文全集 (The Complete Works of Shen Congwen) was published. Zhang was the editor-in-chief. Their second son did much work.

我们相爱一生，一生还是太短。 said Shen.